November of 2011 I landed my dream job in San Diego. I called things off with my boyfriend and moved myself to San Diego from Orange County. I was living in a new city, far away from my family and I had long, awkward hours which made meeting new local friends off duty difficult. I felt alone, and turned to online dating to supplement my needs. Just as I was ready to hang up my online dating pants, he appeared as one of my “matches”. He was handsome, we shared similar interests and we connected over telephone conversations.
June of 2011 we had our first date, meeting at local restaurant in North County San Diego. We chatted about how we both rode horses competitively and how we knew the same people in the equine industry. I learned about his daughter, who was six months old at the time, how he loved spending time with her and how the relationship with his daughter’s mother was brief, resulting in a pregnancy. Red flags? None.
I soon learned that the mother of his daughter was less than cooperative with allowing him to visit with his child. He represented himself in court for numerous child custody appearances and I learned that his time with his daughter had just become unsupervised. I learned that he attempted to obtain full custody of his daughter, removing all rights from the mother, when she was just a few weeks old. Newly into our relationship, I met his daughter. I was brought to a custody exchange where I witnessed a mother handing over an infant to a man whom she obviously despised. No words were exchanged, no updates on the child’s food or sleep needs. Red flags? You bet.
My mother is infamous for conducting, shall we say, ‘research’ on the men I date. I am an only child and she has my best interest at heart, but bless her, she digs deep! She uncovered several domestic violence restraining orders taken out against him and that he had taken out on others, along with a felony burglary charge. When confronted, of course, they were all explained away.
Time went on and we continued to date. The court appearances continued with the mother of his daughter and I was told by everyone in his family that she was the “crazy ex-girlfriend”. He wanted to take his daughter to see family in Northern California, the mother fought tooth and nail to prevent it. I was asked to be the “supervisor” for the trip, essentially monitoring the visit with my boyfriend and his daughter. The courts allowed the family excursion and I played along, reporting back to the mother that her daughter was safe and we were where we said we would be. I chalked up the mother’s behavior to being the “crazy ex-girlfriend” thus the dating continued.
He came on a family vacation to Mexico, where it was decided that when we returned, we would move in together. While in Mexico, he reported to my relatives that my mother, whom was not on said vacation, was not pleased we were dating. The family rallied against my mother and decided that he was a great guy. Needless to say, my relationship with him placed a rift in my relationship with my mother. The divide was nurtured regularly by him when he would tell me how my mother was going to ruin our relationship and how she ruined her marriage with my father.
Upon returning from our vacation, he moved out of his apartment and into a condo I was renting. His daughter had a bedroom in our home and we played house quite well together. Not long after the living situation changed, did his work ethic begin to change. He was not completing jobs on time and soon, not at all. He became so consumed with his court case involving his daughter that he spent all of his time researching case law and writing pages and pages of information to submit to the court. His employment status became a large issue and a sensitive topic in the house. He had no income to purchase any supplies for his daughter when she visited. I continued to work full time and was paying all of the bills. Red flags were flying high.
About a year into us living together, the landlord informed us that the condo was for sale and we were given a thirty-day notice. Perfect timing, I decided I was going to find a place of my own and I told him my plans. I moved out prior to the thirty days and went to the condo on the final day to ensure he had moved everything out and cleaned up as we had discussed. Just as the sun was about to go down, I pulled up to the condo. He was in the garage with his friends loading up a trailer with his belongings. I went into the condo, the power had already been shut off and it was in disarray. The refrigerator was still full with food, the floors had not been vacuumed and he was still moving items out. In a panic, I threw everything in the refrigerator into a trash bag and cleaned what I could. The lease was in my name and I needed that deposit back. I left the condo that night with the belief it was over…
“The lion is most handsome when looking for food”
-Rumi
Surviving the Narc 